Almost five years of small-town living, after spending my adulthood solely in the city, and I’m still figuring out who and what I am in my life now.
Some things are clear and consistent: I’m still a mom and wife. I’m still social and crave strong community. I still do travel writing, ad writing, and twirl other ideas around in my mind.
And some things are different. Very different. Advertising has dried up, leaving me without income or direction. Being social means seeing one, maybe two friends a week. Caregiving, if only emotional, now extends to my mom.
This is all partly a function of place. It’s not like there are new restaurants to try every week or that there are ballets, plays, and readings that beckon on the regular.
It’s also just where I am in life. That is, my age. I don’t want to constantly be ambitious anymore– I don’t think? It’s hard to say; ambition has always been a big part of my identity, and it feels unnatural to not still want to accomplish things. Great, big, dreamy things. It’s just that I also want to be able to chill and not feel pressure. To not have my evenings clouded by stress and deadlines. To not give a fuck.
It’s also the times. I know I’m not alone in feeling uncertain and adrift. The ad industry isn’t the only one that’s a shell of its former self. I’m not the only midlifer who’s being passed over for ‘kids’ in their twenties and thirties. Or worse, AI. And when unnecessary wars are being waged—against universities, farms, entire races, genders, cities, and populations—it’s hard not to feel defeated and want to retreat. It’s easy to want to have nothing to do with anything and everything that’s going on.
But getting out there and participating in life beyond home is the path forward. So I’m looking for my path. My way towards a new chapter. I have no idea where it is or what it looks like, but I’m searching.